Paint

By Hilary Sterne

If you haven't seen the memes about how often men supposedly think of the Roman Empire, here is a compilation of a few of them. 

While this comes as a bit of surprise, despite the fact that Gladiator seems to be in constant rotation on AMC, the idea that everyone has their own random, ruminative thoughts of what they find just as interesting doesn't. Says the Bloggess, "I think about the Titanic, sea monsters, serial killers and Chernobyl about once a week." 

I admit, the Roman Empire never crosses my mind, either, unless I'm wandering the galleries at the Metropolitan Museum or the checking the AMC movie schedule, but I do find myself thinking a lot about paint lately. Watching paint dry may be an idiom for utter boredom but watching people enthuse about it on YouTube? That's my jam. 

Listening to the Experts

It wasn't always. But when I decided to update my college son's bedroom, which over the years has morphed from a little boy's messy toy graveyard into a shockingly gross man-sty, wall paint colors became something I couldn't learn enough about. Greige, I learned, is out—too much like a chain hotel standard queen room these days. But is the new it color greenage, which sounds to me like a high-priced probiotic drink, or warmer, creamier neutrals? And what about Hog Plum or Mizzle or Sulking Room Pink?

Those last are a few of the offerings from Farrow and Ball, the cultish, upper crusty company out of the UK whose marketing strategy seems to be to remind crass Americans just how easily they can find posh sophistication in a can of paint. The cheerful little musical prelude to the videos followed, oddly, by the sound of paper crackling I find as soothing as the plummy voice of the narrator, which is plummy even when she is talking about cow urine. 

Finding the Right Brand 

I decided against Farrow & Ball, not because of the cow urine but because it costs $140 a can, and sought out another pro to help me. Dame F&B's Canadian equivalent is the spokesman for the Paint People, a friendly, bearded bro who shills cheaper but still respectable brands like Benjamin Moore and Sherwin Williams.

Finding the Right Shade 

The darling son suggested green, so I browsed a bunch that inevitably looked either too gray or too minty. I wanted something that evoked water. Ozone. Sunlit tide pools and heaving wave breaks. But since there is virtually no natural light in my son's room, colors like Sea Salt were out. What about Waterscape or Tidewater or even Aegean Teal? I ordered peel-and-stick samples of each. Which would go best with the Dash & Albert rug I had my eye on? Would either provide a complimentary backdrop to darling son's beloved Jimi Hendrix poster?

I haven't yet decided, which gives me more excuses to watch more YouTube videos in which paint influencers debate the merits of Soothing Aloe vs. Beach Glass and eggshell vs dead flat and to order more peel-and-stick samples. And then I'll need to choose trim colors, of course. Really, who needs the Roman Empire when you have Sherwin Williams Roman Column 7562?